Week Six-ish
the best laid plans, huh? i definitely had different ideas for what the last... number of days were going to be, but here we are. wow, all this in the header? this is too long. this one sucks.
Six… ish, weeks? Seven? Eight? Let’s maybe just, not keep too close track? And let’s just cut to the chase, the last few weeks or so have absolutely fucking sucked for me. There was a clear starting point, and then an very defined tipping point, and in between and subsequently it has just been a series of events that had me either feeling like a disappointment, or feeling overwhelmed, or having to mask all of that because of the holiday and that being just *wildly* more mentally taxing than I expected… and I have not wanted to write this at all because frankly, I didn’t really feel like I had anything worth writing and every time I’ve sat down to get anything pounded out here it’s just felt like absolute garbage.
But a very dear friend of mine said to me when I told him I was thinking of doing this project: “Its not going to be something big every week, sometimes you just need something small to get you through. Something insignificant to take your mind off of the significant.” I don’t know if I should have used bold there instead of italic, and maybe I don’t need to put my stylistic notes here, but I think that this kind of witty prose is what keeps y’all coming back for more.
On a side note from that above side note: do any of y’all have a go to gender neutral plural other that “y’all”? I have said “you guys” for so long that it has been nearly impossible to break from my speech, and I really don’t want to keep leaning on that.
Anyway, I’m sure that I’m not the only person here that’s had these kinds of stretches: your brain is in a Bad Place to being with, then there’s some kind of stressor to build that anxiety further, then maybe you get a real gut punch: something you’ve been working towards or aiming for that doesn’t pan out that makes you feel even shittier about yourself on top of that too… and before you know it you’re kind of just sitting and staring at the wall and maybe things have gotten a lot darker over the last few days that you had anticipated. Also add to that the impending holiday season, which I have never been good at and I’ll probably talk more about as we continue through the next few weeks…
But instead of focusing on what there is to look forward to being anxious about, maybe just cut the intro already and move on? Let’s think back to what you wrote a few hundred words ago back there and find something small to focus on and lets get through this week because you won’t be able to write anything while you have people over for the next few days and you can’t skip two weeks and there have got to at least be a couple of things worth thinking positively about that have happened or are happening, no? Yes? Maybe?
Week Six (or seven or eight at this point)
So if its not going to be some big uplifting thing that keeps you sticking around every week, what is it? What can you look forward to that might actually be that second blanket on a chilly night? Is it a second blanket is that really what you’re going to tell all these people that have started subscribing to your newsletter, “Hey, don’t kill yourself. I was thinking about it more than usual this week but then I put on a second blanket and you know what, everythings coming up Milhouse.”? That’s the riveting content that you’re all here for right?
Wow, I’m out here switching tenses and perspectives and just making an absolute fucking mess of the grammar this week. Also I spelled a bunch of things wrong in there and this text input interface doesn’t have any form of autocorrect or red squiggle so I had to just go back and find that out on a re-read and then berate myself here for you. You can really tell that things aren’t all that great for me mentally just from the shift in the writing style… some more advice that I was given about writing was that great writers show the reader rather than tell them, so clearly I am a Great Writer over here.
So here I am, I’m digging pretty deep here to try and find that little thing to force myself into a better mental perspective and its just not coming. I got a new pair of corduroys this week, is that something? It feels like something, they’re comfortable as shit. Let’s think about those for a few hundred words and maybe that’ll be pleasant.
We have a wedding to go to this weekend, which is usually a source of tremendous stress for me because I’m usually too heavy to fit into any of my suits and I never have a clean and pressed real dress shirt ready to go so I put off doing anything about that until the absolute last minute and this time is by no means any different. So I’m standing in front of my closet in our new apartment (which is obviously already a fucking mess because I haven’t properly unpacked and just shoved a ton of shit in there so we could host Thanksgiving and I’m just going to hope no one opens any closets of any kind) and I realize I’ve probably put on too much weight for any of the pants I own. With one exception, these corduroys from Uniqlo that are weirdly the most perfect pant for someone with just a big belly and short legs because they have stretch and cropped legs and a drawstring to maybe corset some of that belly in. I didn’t love the color of the pair that I already owned, so I ordered a pair in this deep olivey forest green. I tried them on when they came in and it is unreasonable how much it lifted my spirits to just have a pair of pants I didn’t hate putting on my body. When the longer bouts of depression hit, much like anyone else I usually just fall into wearing the same handful of shirts and pants and a beanie regardless of the season; which will definitely mean that I haven’t noticed the extra weight I’m putting on until its time to button a real shirt or pair of pants. And I know the rule is that you’re not supposed to buy new clothes for your new weight because then you’ll just keep the weight on instead of getting back into your clothes that you already have, but sometimes just throw that fucking shit out the window and make yourself happy in the now.
I know this is such a minimally important thing, I get it I really do. People have genuine problems. Fuck, I have genuine problems. But for five minutes I forgot them. Five minutes sprinkled into maybe three weeks of just, crushing sadness. I know this is a pretty disjointed post, and I’ve definitely already mentioned it in this post and it’s the kind of thing that would maybe make sense to edit out: but this is depression. This is spiraling thoughts, and overthinking, and the fractured and scattered pattern of picking something up and focusing on it for a second hoping that it will bring you a step closer out of the pit until it doesn’t and then you put it down and go on to the next thing. I have lost count of how many times I’ve picked this laptop up and tried to get this written, and I’ve also lost count of the amount of times I’ve left my laptop buried on my nightstand under a pajama shirt or two and completely just not used it because I know this window will be there: open and blinking and reminding me that I had set out to do this every week and I can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist so instead I pretend my laptop doesn’t even exist.
It’s going to be two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes it’s going to be zero steps forward and just a fucking sprint backwards. But you’ll find something if you keep looking, and today that was a pair of pants that reminded me that I know how to dress myself. There are better Reasons To Stick Around, obviously, but sometimes you just aren’t going to find them and you need to settle for what you’ve got and find strength. Or find that second blanket and just put it on and ride it out.